Let Truth Be True

I have a confession to make.  Somewhere in my distant past, I recall a certain person in my life telling me I had issues with control.  The comment left me speechless at the time, as I was certain that he was, in fact, projecting his own control issues onto me.  It may possibly be 22 years later, and I’m coming back around to look at my own struggles with control.  I’m recognizing an addiction to control in a new and somewhat confusing light.  It’s been pretty vague and foggy up until now but suddenly it’s becoming all too clear.  And to be honest, it’s quite liberating!  See if you can follow me here, for you may find some freedom for yourself if you are able to accept this within your own process.

In less than a month I will have been in this body for 54 years and I realize I’ve spent the majority of this time trying to remember who I am.  Or put another way, trying to create myself into someone different than I already am and then wondering why I don’t feel like I’m enough in this newly created identity.   In truth, I see now, I’ve been addicted to this need to create a small and separate self, who somehow is powerful and strong and in control even as I deny the truth of my real self…my source in union with Love Itself.  I’m beginning to recognize what is being said in this above quote.  I’m trying to claim I don’t know who I really am. 

It’s a strange type of addiction:  a compulsion to proving I am not who I really am!   And to add a little more confusion to the mix, at an even deeper level, I feel guilty for not feeling like I’m enough and for having created this mixed-up scenario!  All this self judgement, of course, leads to a lot of unnecessary suffering!  And hence, I see now I’m also addicted to creating this suffering.  Whew!  That’s a lot!  No wonder I’m tired!

Think about it for a moment.  Did we create this life experience so that we could experience life apart from our One Source for the sole purpose of rediscovering who we really are?  Is it a grand experiment?   A grand immersion experience?  And to do so, did we create the ego-mind as a tool to perpetuate this sense of separation and autonomy, apart from our one Source, our true power?   Love Itself is helping me to understand that we created the ego to convince ourselves that we are someone other than we are and then that same ego-mind guilts us relentlessly for not being who we really are! 

Try to visualize the ego as a projector of sorts.  Do you remember, perhaps as a child, when the teacher would put a sheet of paper on a machine and then project the image onto a screen in front of you?  See the ego-mind projecting onto a screen that is your life, all sorts of experiences where you can see yourself as autonomous, separate, in control all on your own.  And consider all of the self-judgment and guilt that also gets projected onto this screen play that is your life.  This creates the perfect set up for this grand experiment…the illusion of your own separate, recreated identity totally isolated from your one true source and power.   Of course, I don’t need to tell you how much suffering we can create for ourselves as we go about trying to prove ourselves worthy and in control of a life built on an illusion of a false self and driven by guilt and judgement.  But what happens, if for a moment, we turn off the projector? 

I’ve grown pretty good at turning off the projector when I meditate.  It takes a little willingness, some patience, and persistence.  Eventually, I find the mind lets go and the body soon follows suit.  When I’m able to allow myself the time and willingness to meditate, I often reach a space that is completely free of the ego projections.  I find the switch to the projector turns off and I’m floating in a realm of pure love, bliss, and union that is indescribable.  Suddenly there are answers without words and knowingness without even needing to ask.  I feel an awareness of union with Love Itself and a remembering of who I am without the ego. 

And then I take a deep breath.  I breathe in peace and commit to carrying this knowing with me throughout the day. 

And five minutes later, somehow, the switch to the projector gets turned back on.   At least it did and does, until I remember what’s really happening and how addicted I am to keeping up this grand illusion.  (This ironically leaves me feeling quite powerless!)  Now, however, I remember to forgive myself for trying to create an identity and life apart from who I really am. 

You see, if we first acknowledge we’re addicted to this truth-denying game of separation, then we can begin to forgive ourselves for choosing such suffering.  And we can choose again.  This time, we can choose to remember who we really are and that we are actually still One  Self, united with all Love.  From this remembering, we realize there is nothing lacking within and we are completely and always supported, guided, and already wholly complete.  There is nothing we actually need to prove or accomplish to be the completion of who we already are.  In essence, Love Itself, has saved us from the separate little selves we tried to create.

The other morning, I asked Love Itself to help me let go of the outcome in this dream I’m creating.  You see, I so often, when led the ego, get caught up in thinking there is something I need to accomplish, some meaningful task to complete or achieve.  The response I got was short and quite poignant.   

I simply heard, “It’s not about the outcome.  All has already come to pass.  It’s about your remembering.  Nothing else.”